Arrested Development Script: Harvard 2011
And now the story of a wealthy eight-team conference who lost everything, and the one school who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s…Ivy Development.
[Fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Columbia as George Michael Bluth
J. Barnard as Maeby Funke
and J. Penn as Steve Holt.
[Who Owns]
[Form television]
[all action takes place inside TV]
Columbia College awoke in his model home in Manhattanville with a problem: he was in love with his cousin Barnard. Even though Columbia and Barnard were cousins, and therefore kinda, sorta related in a really complicated way that no one really understood, Columbia still longed for the two of them to be one. Unfortunately, Barnard only had eyes for the dumbest jock in town: Penn. He too might have been related to Columbia and the rest of the Ivy League, but everyone mostly ignored him because he was a state school.
In honor of unrequited love, the Band now plays More than a Feeling.
[Formation: In TV. Song: More than a Feeling]
Columbia figured the only thing he could do to impress Barnard was to show her how much bigger his endowment was than Penn’s…so he decided to buy her a big, fancy present! Of course, his pockets were empty, but that didn’t matter. He knew there was always money in the banana stand!
[Formation: Aviva on stilts in banana costume throwing money, all others in boundary of TV. Song: Wipeout]
As Columbia thought about what to buy the girl who already has everything (except swipe access), the village idiot, NYU, pulled up on his Segway.
“NYU!” Columbia said. “Magic is one of your many unmarketable skills. Do you have a trick I can do for Barnard?”
“I don’t do tricks, Columbia,” NYU scoffed. “I do illusions. Illusion sounds much more hip and obscure. But here. Watch as I transform my diploma from a simple piece of paper into a document that’s respected the world over!”
[Song: Final Countdown. Formation: Still in TV]
Of course, NYU could not project the illusion of competence, and so he rode off on his Segway to drown his sorrows in a drum circle.
Just then Columbia saw his beloved and the safety school walking hand in hand, and he ran to intercept them. Kneeling before her, he confessed his feelings. “Barnard, I know that you’re dating a hot football player now, and I know we basically live together, but I think you’re the prettiest girl in the whole world.”
Barnard was caught off-guard, so she resorted to her catchphrase. “Marry me!”
So he did. But to hear about that, you’ll have to watch the movie, because this show just got cancelled.
In honor of sitcoms that end before their time, the Band now moves to the silver screen and plays “Livin’ on a Prayer.”
[Formation: TV. Song: Prayer]
Run away!