Albany Jokes-TOO HOT FOR HALFTIME!
Every so often, there are some jokes that are just too naughty to make it into a halftime script and they get cut before they can see the field. But we can reproduce them for you here in all their smutty glory. These particular additions to the script were denounced as belonging in the “inappropriate hall of fame,” but read on if you dare…
TWO-STATE SOLUTION
This week in New York City one of the world’s biggest rivalries has once again come to the fore, leading to considerable diplomatic tension. It is a question of statehood and of rights, of migrations and of settlements, and politicians everywhere are scrambling to get on the right side of the issue. Of course we’re talking about the age-old conflict between Albany and New York City.
This storied struggle has its roots in war—-the Revolutionary War, that is. After establishing several provisional capitals, the New York state legislature finally settled in Manhattan after 1785. Everything worked out for a little while, until Albany appealed to the state government about its own right to capitalhood. The international community agreed, and in 1797 NYC found itself stripped of the statehouse and put under foreign rule. Of course, moving the state capital made perfect sense both then and now. Why bother keeping it in Manhattan? After all, we’re just the largest city in New York State, the most populous city in the USA, and the home of the United Nations, making us literally THE CAPITAL OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. No, it’s totally easy to see why they decided to move things to a little cow pasture upstate instead.
Whatever the reason, Albany was installed as New York’s sovereign power, and there has been palpable tension between our two metropolises ever since. Some New Yorkers vehemently argue that the governor’s mansion has the right to return to Manhattan, while others take to the streets threatening to push the new capital into the sea. Today, however, more rational minds see a two-state solution as the only way out. Say, that sounds like a good idea—-let’s try it right now!
In honor of kissing the mainland goodbye, the Band now secedes from New York and plays Forget You.
[Song: Forget You. Formation: Manhattan seceding from New York]
WHEN RICK MET MICHELE
Well, even though the next presidential election is over a year away, Republican candidates are already licking their chops waiting to get a shot at incumbent and honorary Band member Barack Obama. Mitt Romney, America’s favorite Mormon this side of the theatre district, started the race as a strong frontrunner, but as always he was soon eclipsed by the wackos. Texas governor Rick Perry and Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann have since seized the Republican spotlight, Perry for labeling Social Security a “Ponzi scheme” and Bachmann for labeling Perry an evil pinko communist who shoots up young girls with HPV vaccines in spooky underground labs (we’re paraphrasing here). When asked why she is against the Texas government giving the shots to all at-risk girls, Bachmann responded that “If women don’t want the vaccine, then they should have the freedom to choose what happens to their bodies.” There is of course not a trace of hypocrisy in these remarks, and the Band applauds Ms. Bachmann for her consistency. It’s clear that no matter what happens this primary season, the real winner will be Ron Paul, because with Bachmann and Perry around he’ll no longer be the craziest person onstage at the debates.
In honor of party politics, the Band now forms the Republican field and plays “Carry On, Wayward Sons.”
[Song: Carry On. Formation: Amorph]