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Full Fall 2011 Orgo Night Script

Fall 2011 Orgo Night Script:

[Roar]

Tyler:

Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite mugging people on 114th street, it’s the boxcutting-est band in the world, the Columbia University Marching give me your iPhone motherfucker!

[Fanfare]

Bree:

Featuring:

J. Stephenie Meyer: Breaking Dawn

J. European Union: breaking down, and

J. Justin Bieber: breaking hymens.

[Fanfare]

Tyler:

Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semi-centennial, solipsistic, recently fumigated, (yet still in need of fumigation!) College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. As well as human trafficking on Columbia’s campus going up, Public Affairs students…going down, and your professor’s heavy breathing at an all-time still not sexy, the Band now presents its 54th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world’s largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the interest of everyone’s enjoyment:

SEAS students, please turn off your electronic devices.

Bree: GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.

Tyler: CC kids, please set your phones to vibrate;

Bree: and Barnard girls, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!

[Who Owns]

Tyler:

Now, a lot of people have complained that we don’t use microphones at Orgo Night. And you know what? They’re right. So we’ve decided to bring special amplification to you RIGHT NOW. Let’s give it a try. Mic check! (Mic check!) Mic check! (Mic check!) Is this thing on? (Is this thing on?) We’re really poor! (We’re really poor!) You’re really rich! (You’re really rich!) Fuck you guys! (Fuck you guys!) Penis! (Penis!)

OK, enough of that shit. (OK, enough of that shit.) That’s really fucking annoying. (That’s really fucking annoying.) Seriously! (Seriously!) Stop! (Stop!) I have a tiny dick! (silence)

The news coverage of Occupy Wall Street has dwindled so much in recent weeks that it seems like those grizzled urban lumberjacks have packed up and headed home, leaving behind nothing but vintage skinny jeans, crumpled cans of PBR, and ironically placed copies of the new Real Estate album.

Which is too bad…the Band really sympathized with the Occupy Wall Streeters on several issues. We too are frustrated with our nation’s leaders. We too have been evicted from certain public arenas for just expressing ourselves. We too hate the 1%, skimming the cream off the top and milking the system. And if you think that last one is just a lead-in to a bad dairy joke…you’re right. What do Occupy Wall Street and eggs have in common? They both get beaten and peppered!

Police skullfucking aside, Columbia has really taken to the Occupy movement, which is not surprising, since Occupy Wall Street is about as poorly thought-out as Frontiers of Science. Inspired by the actions of the 99%, some CU students have started their own Occupy Columbia movement, fighting for their ideals with one of history’s most effective protest strategies: drum circles. Because we all know how well that worked out for the Native Americans. We in the Band are much more sympathetic to the Occupy Barnard movement, which has taken up such fine causes as OccupyTheKitchen, OccupyMyBedroom, and OccupyMakeMeASandwich, Bitch.

In honor of fighting for worthy causes, the Band now forms a pastrami on rye and a blowjob and plays “More Than a Kneeling.”

[More Than a Feeling]

Bree:

In case you hadn’t noticed, this country’s due for another one of those election doodads, and we all know what that means: educated discourse about the state of the nation. Ha! We have fun. No, don’t worry, America, this election will be just as the Founding Fathers intended–a knock-down, drag-out, balls-to-the-wall affair full of terrorist fist jabs, Photoshopped pictures of Adolf Obama, and more steamy scandals than you can shake James Madison’s tiny dick at.

Speaking of dicks, Herman Cain still hasn’t acknowledged that maybe whipping out his shlong wasn’t the best form of employee appreciation! He suspended his campaign after being buried under a pile of sexual harassment allegations, which is nowhere near as exciting as it sounds. We have no idea what Cain did to these ladies accusing him…we can only assume that the former Godfather’s CEO was knocking on their doors asking if they wanted to try his “big sausage pizza.” Still, we understand why voters are upset with Cain: in the GOP, you can be a hypocrite, a sex fiend, and sometimes even black, but not all three at the same time.

That’s why Republican voters have thrown their support behind Newt Gingrich, who cheated on his cancer-stricken wife and said she wasn’t, quote, “young or pretty enough to be the wife of a President.” Apparently she was pretty enough to be the wife of a man named Newt–an oversized garden gnome whose face resembles the offspring of Susan Boyle and a half-melted candle. Mr. Gingrich is of course known for being the “intellectual” candidate, which in the Republican Party means he can go poopy in the big boy potty. This runs the risk of alienating members of the smart-o-phobic Republican base–polls have shown that far-right voters prefer a candidate who’s just one of the guys…they can get a beer together, talk about the local sports teams, and eventually have plausibly deniable gay sex on a heap of Bibles.

In honor of the American electoral process, the Band now forms two Republican senators at a glory hole and plays Grand Old Party Rock Anthem.

[Party Rock Anthem]

Tyler:

Recently it seems that America is in the midst of a MANcession. Yep, those women, with their fancy “bachelor’s degrees,” “master’s degrees,” “PhDs” and IUDs managed to steal jobs from hardworking men like this guy right here. It looks like the feminist crusade has finally made sexism obsolete. Radical C.U.N.T.S, eat your hearts out. Then eat each other out. Then eat your hearts out again.

But men shouldn’t be taking their stay-at-home-dad roles lying down! In these changing times, those afflicted with external genitalia and a pesky Y chromosome will be forced to learn new skills, like how to change a diaper or suppress their gag reflex. Of course, there’s only one place that can teach such expertise: Barnard College. Incoming Barnard men will quickly be enrolled in classes such as Why Foreplay Matters, She’s Always Faking It, and Maybe You Should Just Cuddle. Bill Clinton, recently domesticated by his husband Hillary, will give a guest lecture at Conbrocation entitled, “My Balls: Learning to Live Without”. A special all-guys theatre troupe will stage the first male rendition of “The Vagina Monologues”. “My vagina is an outie, long and thick. My vagina is a source of life, a petrified sequoia in a mysterious cave. And sometimes when I rub it, it lactates.” When those brave Barnard men head out into the world to become part-time elementary school substitutes and secretaries, they’ll always be able to look back on their emasculating days at Alma Pater. So move over, Barnard women. Some new classmates will soon be entering your Vag.

In honor of getting in touch with your feminine side, the Band now forms an extra-large pair of jeggings and plays Last Friday Night.

[Last Friday Night]

Bree:

It’s been a rough year to be a Columbia administrator. First, Provost Claude M. Steele packed up his porn name and headed for the bright lights of California, and then Michele Moody-Adams journeyed to the center of earth to stabilize the Core and was never heard from again. The latest campus figure to find himself in hot water is SEAS Dean Feniosky Pena-Mora, who was told in no uncertain terms by engineering professors that he doesn’t “fit in with the culture of Columbia.” The implication being, of course, that he would TOTALLY fit in with the culture of ColOMbia.

Some at the University criticized the overtly racial angle taken by the New York Times in its coverage of the scandal. However, the faculty letter published in various media outlets isn’t actually the one that crossed President Bollinger’s desk. Newspapers drastically edited the epistle so as not to offend delicate sensibilities, but luckily the Band has a copy of the REAL letter, uncut and uncensored.

(unfold letter)

“Dear Provost Coatsworth,

We are writing to inform you of a massive communication barrier between the engineering faculty and Dean Pena-Mora. Basically, he has a weird fucking accent and we can’t understand a word he says. How can you expect him to turn out good engineers when he can’t even pronounce “en-hin-eer?” We’re all outsies if you don’t take him back to Home Depot right the fuck now.

Sincerely yours,

A bunch of old white PhDs.”

It’s clear to us that to create a good dialogue, the SEAS faculty just needs a little language instruction. That’s why the Dean is collaborating with PBS to bring you a new educational program: “Pena-Mora the Explorer!” He’ll teach SEAS profesoras the basics of Spanish while trying to avoid his own terminacion! Can you kids say “terminacion?” (delay) Muy bien! But he’ll have to watch out for sly fox Vice Dean Goldfarb, who managed to swipe all his professional responsibilities. Hopefully Pena-Mora the Explorer develops enough “communication skills” to finally call the engineering faculty what they are—fucking racists ;-).

In honor of navigating stormy SEAS, the band now forms the beleaguered Dean and plays Carry On, Wayward Dominican.

[Carry On, Wayward Son]

Tyler:

This semester, a lot of people were quick to call Columbia’s football program an embarrassment, which seems a little harsh. The Lions aren’t an embarrassment…they’re just not very good. Penn State’s football program…now there’s an embarrassment. Some pretty titillating reports have come out of Happy Valley in the last month. Apparently Plato Sandusky was holding nightly Symposia with JoePa-crates, doling out “wisdom” to little boys they’d showered in love, and loved in showers. In the purest of pure relationships, the boys swooned in the coaches’ wrinkly laps and professed their love either on a grassy field or one completely shaven.

After the Penn State student body was told why their beloved icon had been fired, by someone who could read, Sandusky appeared on television to refute the allegations against him. The former coach dismissed his shower room antics as simple “horseplay,” because that’s how horses get their kicks, by fucking children in the ass. “It was just good clean fun,” Sandusky said. “After all, boys will be boys…sweet, soft, succulent little boys.”

Another unfortunate side effect of the scandal is the flood of job-seeking University of Pennsylvania students who have to once again explain “No, I don’t go to THAT Penn!” And they have good reason to be upset. UPenn works hard to provide a safe environment for kids. In fact, it’s the safetiest school around.

In honor of state schools, the Band now forms a superiority complex and plays “Build Me Up, Buttercup!”

[Buttercup]

Bree:

Marching bands, historically famous only for their enduring virginities, have never been the subjects of much media attention. That all changed just one month ago, when Columbia made national headlines for something other than inviting an evil dictator to campus. We were shocked to read that SOME punk-ass marching band, full of vim, vigor and bullshit, had the audacity, nay, the nerve, nay, THE BALLS to inform the football team of what it had been doing all season long: losing. And even worse, we did it with a lighthearted parody of our fight song, which was apparently the worst thing to happen to Columbia since Aaron Burr. When the coaching staff complained to the Athletics Department, the CUMB found itself suspended, and journalists across the country jizzed their collective pants at the opportunity to use the phrase “Band Banned.”

Of course, we immediately apologized, admitting that we’d totally crossed the line. Buuuutt… maybe if the team had crossed the line more often during the season, the Band wouldn’t have been singing those songs in the first place. Given all the serious injuries one can sustain playing football, we didn’t think hurt feelings would be one of them.

In the wake of the CUMB-gate scandal, many angry blog commenters had their say. They asked snarkily, “Why not have the band put on helmets and pads and see how well they do on the field?” A legitimate point. The marching band cannot play football. Instead of nine consecutive losses, we would have racked up…ten consecutive losses.

Lions Head Coach Norries Wilson was dismissed just over 12 hours after winning the final game of the season, reportedly fumbling his pink slip on the way out the door. Norries was replaced by NFL coach Pete Mangurian, who proudly declared at his introductory press conference that he wasn’t afraid to use the “W” word—Win. Of course, Norries wasn’t afraid to use the “W” word either… “WAAAHHH!”

In honor of newfound tabloid stardom, the band now forms the New York media machine and plays All Of The Lights.

[All of the Lights]

Bree: Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:

Tyler: Backside displacement is characteristic of an SN2 reaction, whereas two people doing S&M often displace their backsides.

Bree: When a molecule loses an electron, it becomes electrically charged. When our drum major loses her clothes, the Band becomes sexually charged.

Tyler: Neutral organic compounds tend to be hydrophobic, meaning they are less soluble in water than in organic solvents. Right-wing organic compounds tend to be homophobic, meaning Rick Perry will never be president.

Bree: And finally, latex condoms are elastic hydrocarbon polymers. That information will never be relevant to an organic chemistry student.

Tyler: Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way out!

Arrested Development Script: Harvard 2011

And now the story of a wealthy eight-team conference who lost everything, and the one school who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s…Ivy Development.

[Fanfare]

Featuring:
J. Columbia as George Michael Bluth
J. Barnard as Maeby Funke
and J. Penn as Steve Holt.

[Who Owns]

[Form television]

[all action takes place inside TV]

Columbia College awoke in his model home in Manhattanville with a problem: he was in love with his cousin Barnard. Even though Columbia and Barnard were cousins, and therefore kinda, sorta related in a really complicated way that no one really understood, Columbia still longed for the two of them to be one. Unfortunately, Barnard only had eyes for the dumbest jock in town: Penn. He too might have been related to Columbia and the rest of the Ivy League, but everyone mostly ignored him because he was a state school.

In honor of unrequited love, the Band now plays More than a Feeling.

[Formation: In TV. Song: More than a Feeling]

Columbia figured the only thing he could do to impress Barnard was to show her how much bigger his endowment was than Penn’s…so he decided to buy her a big, fancy present! Of course, his pockets were empty, but that didn’t matter. He knew there was always money in the banana stand!

[Formation: Aviva on stilts in banana costume throwing money, all others in boundary of TV. Song: Wipeout]

As Columbia thought about what to buy the girl who already has everything (except swipe access), the village idiot, NYU, pulled up on his Segway.
“NYU!” Columbia said. “Magic is one of your many unmarketable skills. Do you have a trick I can do for Barnard?”

“I don’t do tricks, Columbia,” NYU scoffed. “I do illusions. Illusion sounds much more hip and obscure. But here. Watch as I transform my diploma from a simple piece of paper into a document that’s respected the world over!”

[Song: Final Countdown. Formation: Still in TV]

Of course, NYU could not project the illusion of competence, and so he rode off on his Segway to drown his sorrows in a drum circle.

Just then Columbia saw his beloved and the safety school walking hand in hand, and he ran to intercept them. Kneeling before her, he confessed his feelings. “Barnard, I know that you’re dating a hot football player now, and I know we basically live together, but I think you’re the prettiest girl in the whole world.”

Barnard was caught off-guard, so she resorted to her catchphrase. “Marry me!”

So he did. But to hear about that, you’ll have to watch the movie, because this show just got cancelled.

In honor of sitcoms that end before their time, the Band now moves to the silver screen and plays “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

[Formation: TV. Song: Prayer]

Run away!

Albany Jokes-TOO HOT FOR HALFTIME!

Every so often, there are some jokes that are just too naughty to make it into a halftime script and they get cut before they can see the field. But we can reproduce them for you here in all their smutty glory. These particular additions to the script were denounced as belonging in the “inappropriate hall of fame,” but read on if you dare…

TWO-STATE SOLUTION

This week in New York City one of the world’s biggest rivalries has once again come to the fore, leading to considerable diplomatic tension. It is a question of statehood and of rights, of migrations and of settlements, and politicians everywhere are scrambling to get on the right side of the issue. Of course we’re talking about the age-old conflict between Albany and New York City.

This storied struggle has its roots in war—-the Revolutionary War, that is. After establishing several provisional capitals, the New York state legislature finally settled in Manhattan after 1785. Everything worked out for a little while, until Albany appealed to the state government about its own right to capitalhood. The international community agreed, and in 1797 NYC found itself stripped of the statehouse and put under foreign rule. Of course, moving the state capital made perfect sense both then and now. Why bother keeping it in Manhattan? After all, we’re just the largest city in New York State, the most populous city in the USA, and the home of the United Nations, making us literally THE CAPITAL OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. No, it’s totally easy to see why they decided to move things to a little cow pasture upstate instead.

Whatever the reason, Albany was installed as New York’s sovereign power, and there has been palpable tension between our two metropolises ever since. Some New Yorkers vehemently argue that the governor’s mansion has the right to return to Manhattan, while others take to the streets threatening to push the new capital into the sea. Today, however, more rational minds see a two-state solution as the only way out. Say, that sounds like a good idea—-let’s try it right now!

In honor of kissing the mainland goodbye, the Band now secedes from New York and plays Forget You.

[Song: Forget You. Formation: Manhattan seceding from New York]

WHEN RICK MET MICHELE

Well, even though the next presidential election is over a year away, Republican candidates are already licking their chops waiting to get a shot at incumbent and honorary Band member Barack Obama. Mitt Romney, America’s favorite Mormon this side of the theatre district, started the race as a strong frontrunner, but as always he was soon eclipsed by the wackos. Texas governor Rick Perry and Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann have since seized the Republican spotlight, Perry for labeling Social Security a “Ponzi scheme” and Bachmann for labeling Perry an evil pinko communist who shoots up young girls with HPV vaccines in spooky underground labs (we’re paraphrasing here). When asked why she is against the Texas government giving the shots to all at-risk girls, Bachmann responded that “If women don’t want the vaccine, then they should have the freedom to choose what happens to their bodies.” There is of course not a trace of hypocrisy in these remarks, and the Band applauds Ms. Bachmann for her consistency. It’s clear that no matter what happens this primary season, the real winner will be Ron Paul, because with Bachmann and Perry around he’ll no longer be the craziest person onstage at the debates.

In honor of party politics, the Band now forms the Republican field and plays “Carry On, Wayward Sons.”

[Song: Carry On. Formation: Amorph]

Albany Script (as performed 9/24)

COLUMBIA vs. ALBANY
Sept 24, 2011

PREGAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Albany students, back despite popular demand, it’s
the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Jose Delgado: Head Manager
J. Hayley Peterson: Drum Major
and J. Lauren Ackerman: “not the New York Philharmonic, but not the worst
thing you’ve ever heard.”

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural,
eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wien
Stadium at Baker Athletics Complex, where we’re sure the Lions will rule the
beasts, the Great Danes will be “sent to a nice farm upstate,” and everyone will
wish they’d just bought a hamster instead.

[Who Owns]

Recently it seems that US News and World Report has released its much-
awaited college rankings, giving high school students everywhere something to
pay way too much attention to. As if Jersey Shore wasn’t bad enough. After
spending the summer holding its breath, the Band was relieved to learn that
Columbia University held strong at the number four slot. When she was informed
of the news, Columbia Dean of Admissions Jessica Marinaccio smiled demurely
and said “It is not the policy of the Columbia administration to put any stock in
rankings lists, but IN YOUR FACE! IN YOUR FACE!”

Coming in ahead of Columbia were Harvard, Princeton, and Yale, which some
ignorant observers might think means those institutions are, quote, “better.” We
in the Band, however, prefer to take the sore loser’s age-old refuge: blaming the
methodology. Clearly US News overvalues tweed, homogeneity and misogyny
while simultaneously undervaluing, you know, culture, fun, and attractive people.
And at least we escaped that horrendous five-way tie for fifth, which proved once

and for all that college rankings are just like Little League, everybody gets a
trophy and nobody loses! …Except for Cornell.

In honor of false senses of superiority, the Band now forms our collective ego
and plays “More Than a Feeling.”

[Formation: swelling ego (actually a circle that gradually expands). Song: More
Than a Feeling]

Run away!

HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and baseball fans, back despite losing up a storm, it’s the
chokingest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Boston Red Sox!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Kierkegaard: Dane
J. Albany: Great Dane
and J. Scooby-Doo: Greatest Dane.

[Fanfare]

As well as seismograph readings going up, Hurricane Irene coming down, and
public panic at an all-time “HANDS OFF THAT CANNED CORN, LADY!” the
Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to talking about the weather!

[Who Owns]

JOKE ONE:

Recently it seems that after failing to bring around the apocalypse with
earthquakes, tropical storms, and yet another season of “Two and a Half Men,”
the universe has gotten a little lazy about trying to end life on earth as we know
it. Its latest feeble attempt to send people scurrying to their bomb shelters
involves a decommissioned NASA satellite that made its fiery descent into the
Earth’s atmosphere yesterday, giving newspapers a splashy headline on a slow
day and giving the rest of us one more thing to ignore as we work on our three
simultaneous problem sets. The world’s leaders, however, did not take this
seemingly innocuous threat lying down. As soon as the White House and NASA
picked up the satellite on radar, they immediately put in a call to—-not the Army,
Air Force, or National Guard, but a ragtag oil drilling crew in the middle of the
Gulf of Mexico. Then they gave them this like super-cool spaceship-tank thing
with a bunch of top-secret technology, and Steve Buschemi totally went crazy
and started breaking stuff but Ben Affleck and Arwen the elf queen got to live
happily ever after anyway because Bruce Willis saved the world…oh wait, that
wasn’t CNN, the Band fell asleep watching “Armageddon” on cable last night.

In honor of another close call, the Band now forms its sense of relief and
plays “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

[Song: Prayer. Formation: Smiley face.]

JOKE TWO:

Recently it seems that Columbia has been attracting more than its share of
celebrities to Morningside Heights, leaving the Band a bit starstruck. Joseph
Gordon-Levitt (or, as he’s more commonly known, your hipster friend’s favorite
actor) filmed a portion of his next movie at the intersection of 116 and Broadway,
and last week Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick were spotted picking
up their two daughters from the Barnard Toddler Center. There doesn’t seem to
be any sibling rivalry between them, despite Broderick recently insinuating that
he loved one child more than the other because she was more attractive than
her sister. That’s not really fair, Matthew…the girl can’t help it if she takes after
her mother.

But even these stars of stage and screen couldn’t distract the major news outlets
from an even bigger name: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Apparently he didn’t get enough of CU during his infamous 2007 visit, and so this
year he exercised his right to free speech by asking Columbia’s Model United
Nations team to dinner. Although Ahmadinejad had high hopes for his first date
in years, the students declined the invitation, saying they were busy washing
their hair that night. Of course, the media had a field day anyway, which
culminated in bloggers at the National Review labeling Columbia “Jihad
University.” To be fair, a name change was long overdue…that old “University of
Havana-North” moniker was soooooo 20th century.

In honor of upholding stereotypes, the Band now forms a fearmongering
caricature and plays the new Columbia fight song.

[Song: Dynamite. Formation: “JU”]

Run away!