Orgo Night Fall 2013 - Dec. 12, 2013

[Roar]

{SHANE}

Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite commemorating genocide and American imperialism, it’s the most complicated band in the world, the Columbia University Marching SGA Emails!

[Fanfare]

{ORLI}

Featuring:
J. ZBT: lost their charter
J. SAE: lost their charter
J. Crackdel: died a martyr

[Fanfare]

{SHANE}

Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semi-centennial, solipsistic, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. As well as memorials for the ginger tree going up, the ginger girl in the stacks’s pants going down, and gingers at an all-time “eh”, the Band now presents its 58th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world’s largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the interest of everyone’s enjoyment:

{SHANE}
SEAS students, please turn off your electronic devices.

{ORLI}
GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.

{SHANE}
CC kids, please set your phones to vibrate;

{ORLI}
Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!

[Who Owns]

{ORLI}

The University is still without a dean of student affairs, so each of the undergraduate schools was forced to manage their own students’ affairs as they saw fit. GS sought to help its students who after years of dysfunction, finally managed to achieve an erection…of a flagpole over Lewisohn. Columbia College made the required reading of the Symposium a little more interactive. And SEAS increased problem sets to distract students from the fact that they will NEVER get laid.

But surprisingly, “sex-positive” Barnard has been less supportive than an old bra and the administration recently enacted a policy that placed strict limits on overnight guests in residence halls. Students accused the administration of policing their sex lives, and media coverage spread faster than [speaker makes hand gesture implying legs]…meningitis at Princeton!

This policy, known as The 6 Days of Knowing, means that one can only bring in the same guest 6 times within a period of 30 days. God rested on the seventh day, why shouldn’t Barnard girls? Honestly, we’re not sure whether the policy is intended to promote celibacy or promiscuity, though incidentally, both are practiced by leaders of the Catholic Church. And if you thought that joke came suddenly, try spending the night with Daniel from John Jay 10.

Barnard’s administration was not totally unsympathetic to the students’ plight, however, and they were generous enough to put up a tent by the gates for couples who’ve run out of overnight sign-ins—you can hear people drilling underneath it all night long. And thanks to the love gravy that’s filling the impending cement engraving, Barnard’s 125th anniversary can be truly seminal.

Regardless of the implications on our sex lives, the Columbia swipe-in situation is an absurd policy for a University that constantly claims to cultivate a sense of cum-munity. It’s no wonder Barnard and CC girls are always going at it like Gloria Steinem and Phyllis Schlafly! The swipe-in system tears us apart and treats commuters, Barnard, and GS students the same way as random people off the street, no offense to Kevin who lives in front of AppleTree, or the HALLELUJAH guy in front of McBain. Seriously, is it too much to ask that students from all the schools can just walk into each other’s dorms to have a cup of coffee, or cup some titties whenever both parties want? We in the band think not, and invite any of you over to the Bandsuite™ anytime…

In honor of easy access, the band now forms campus unity and plays “Happy Together.”

[Happy Together]

{SHANE}

This fall, students have been aroused from their long slumber of apathy to get involved in a political campaign! Their noble cause is to protest the social injustice of John Jay Dining Hall’s replacement of shitty pizza with shitty sushi. True inequality is happening, not just on the streets of New York, but right here in our dining hall, because while the sushi and pizza may both be equally inedible, at least if you were a freshman too shy to pick up the free packets of lube at Health Services, those puddles of grease on the pizza started to look pretty appealing. So why did they do it? Maybe Columbia wanted to make its students eat healthier. And to be honest, they really have done a good job of eradicating unhealthy food here at Columbia, if you don’t count most of the other food in John Jay, and JJ’s Place, and the chicken fingers hidden inside every “wrap” at Ferris, and the giant boxes of candy at the Butler café…

But maybe the lack of pizza isn’t the real injustice. For one thing,according to Student-Worker Solidarity, Prezbo decided to connect with the common man and institute a permanent fireside chat right in the John Jay kitchen. The pizza ovens were hot enough to make John Jay feel like a McBain double with the radiators stuck in the on position by years of spilled Natty Light. The Director of Dining claimed that even though there was no air conditioning or ventilation in the kitchen, Columbia could only improve the sweatshop conditions “at the expense of students,” which warms our hearts, because that’s never stopped them before. And Columbia Dining has a point. If there’s one basic ethical principle we learn in CC, it’s that the right of a philosopher-king, that is, an Ivy League student, to eat awful pizza trumps Wilma’s right to not pass out from heat stroke and drown in a vat of marinara.

And let’s not stop there! We have more demands! Hewitt’s missing that special sweatshop pep! How dare they cook every single frozen burger individually? We don’t have time for that! We have Goldman Sachs information sessions to attend! Why can’t they leave the patties sitting out for hours on end, like at JJ’s Place? We demand an end to the low-class froyo machines that make us choose between lactose-free and non-fat! We refuse to eat chicken wings with bones in them! We don’t pay tens of thousands of dollars of our parents’ money every year to have to eat around the bones!

And it’s offensive that Student-Worker Solidarity thinks students have it better than the workers. I mean, we have friends who almost couldn’t afford their $99 merino wool class year sweaters until they got that special discount from Bwog!

But you know what, let’s be real. We in the band sympathize with the workers. We know what it’s like to provide an important service and rarely get paid for it, in either money or sexual favors. And we also have to do our jobs in disgusting, sweaty conditions! {motion to room} With that in mind, we propose a new system. Let’s move the pizza ovens to Low Library! If our administration insists on causing as much suffering as the locked doors of Hamdel on a Sunday night, let’s at least contain it to students’ digestive tracts.
In honor of muckraking our way out of apathy, the band now forms Upton Sinclair and plays “Fuck You.”

[Fuck You]

{ORLI}

The Ivy League, a body so ancient and revered, it is second only to Madonna’s, is so prestigious that schools from NYU to UPenn desperately try to gain admittance to this club of superb education and Ivory privilege. But when you look closer at the Ivy League, the question becomes, “Why?”

Consider Yale, for fuck’s sake, where reports of a gunman on campus terrified students. Yes, we know that gun violence in New Haven isn’t really “news” so much as it’s the city’s “local charm,” we just thought we’d remind you that New Haven is a shitty place to live. In fact, the shittiness of New Haven reached an all-time high-arrhea when someone filled the Yale washing machines with warm, chocolate-y poo. But, it’s not really a surprise that a turd-fiend — nay, a poopatrator — goes to Yale: they are obsessed with being number TWO.

And speaking of shit, Brown!

Taking the plunge into Cornell, where the horses are happier than the humans, Ithaca — that is, the Ithaca that wasn’t the site of a massacre of horny Greek suitors — was the site of a particularly sticky situation this semester. The Cornell School for Equestrian Happy Endings lost $200,000 worth of horse semen. Of course, this type of thing never would have happened at Dartmouth, where they savor every drop of animal semen. All in all, we in the band wish the best to Cornell - we understand that losing something so valuable is really hard to swallow.

And speaking of just dicking around, Brown!

At Harvard, it’s hard to get in, but even harder to get it in, according to a new survey revealing that more Harvard freshmen have cheated on their homework than have had sex. But at least one thing is easy at Harvard: For the past 20 years, the most common grade awarded has been an A. (Or occasionally an A-, when the professors really cracked down.) We in the band are disgusted by the state of affairs: it shouldn’t be harder to get a B than it is to get the D.

And speaking of easy grading, Brown!

Finally, in Princeton news, a shocking press release revealed that the institution finally decided to admit its first non-white student! But don’t worry, his tan from summering in the French Riviera should fade in three to four weeks.

And speaking of an unwarranted sense of superiority, Brown!

In honor of our own completely warranted sense of superiority, the band now forms the greatest city in the world, our diverse student body, our normal sex lives, our inflated but not over-inflated grades, and our safe and sound horse semen and plays “The Only Way You Want It.”

[Any Way You Want It]

{SHANE}

Columbia students have accomplished a lot over this past semester. A Columbia lab created lung tissue from stem cells, a Barnard student got to make out with a Nazi on live TV, and nobody’s died…yet.

But one group on campus has done something that hasn’t been accomplished in more than 20 years. We’d like to take a moment to congratulate the football team on their perfect season! It was a thing of beauty. In an ever-changing world, they were beacons of consistency. First they lost to Fordham. Then they lost to Monmouth. Then they lost to Princeton, Lehigh, Penn, Dartmouth, Yale, Harvard, Cornell, and Brown. And throughout it all, there wasn’t a single time where we feared they might deviate. We feel the need to tell you this because we know you weren’t there.

In other words, they sucked more cock than a Barnard girl on her period.

This year’s team was statistically the least competitive in Columbia’s history, the only possible exception being the war-ravaged team of 1943. But at least the war provided that team with a legitimate excuse for losing, and, to be fair, a slightly better reason for their distaste of Asians. And unlike this year’s squad, at least some of the 1943 players got drafted.

But don’t blame the players. They’ll tell you to blame head coach Pete Mangurian. And he’ll tell you to blame athletic director M. Dianne Murphy. And she’ll tell you to blame the band!

But in spite of all this fingering, there hasn’t really been much of a climax. #turnitblueballs Despite all the buttons, blogs, op-eds, common sense, and even plane banners calling for their termination, neither Mangurian nor Murphy will be fired, because Columbia just can’t sack anyone.

But all this outcry leaves us puzzled. With our last Ivy League championship win in 1961, and our last winning season almost 20 years ago, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU ALL EXPECT?!

In honor of living down to expectations, the band now forms the football team and plays “Wrecking Ball.”

[Wrecking Ball]

{ORLI}

Speaking of football, racism! This semester saw several incidents that some people thought were definitely racist, but the most remarkable thing was that none of them involved us! Well, let’s see if that’s still true in 10 minutes.

Just recently, Barnard’s production of the deeply progressive play Top Girls came under fire for casting a white person in the role of an Asian character. Profoundly sensitive theatergoers said it was an example of “yellowface” when the actress wore the 13th century Japanese makeup her character, a 13th century Japanese woman, would have worn—even though she didn’t exhibit any derogatory Asian stereotypes or say “ching chong bing bong” even once. Meanwhile, profoundly ignorant theatergoers said “Yellowface? But her makeup was white!” And the Band was just pissed that “Top Girls” wasn’t about some kinky lesbian sex orgy.

In other theater casting bullshit, the annual production of the Vagina Monologues is featuring all self-identified actors of color and took a lot of shit from un-self identified Bwog commenters. To protest the Vagina Monologues’ decision, Columbia’s other V-Show made the exact opposite casting choice. But if identity-based casting is going to become a thing, we in the band say go for it! We’d like to see a production of self-identified Guys and self-identified Dolls! Or what about an all-Neighborhood Watch production of “Annie” called “Annie Get Your Gun?”

Then, at the annual Greek Beats fundraiser, lip-syncers from Lambda used the word n—— in their performance of Jay-Zed’s “Holy Grail.” In response, competing dance group Onyx accused the frat of being “discriminatory and prejudiced.” But, we in the band wonder if using the word n—— is that bad when it’s a direct quote used in a clearly non-racist context. Like this: Abraham Lincoln once said, “Free the N———.” The thing is, there’s a difference between being inappropriate and being racist. Inappropriate is when you jizz in a little kid’s hair. Racist is when you only jizz in pure-blooded Aryan kids’ hair. The most ridiculous thing about this big skullfuck is that Lambda tried to cover up the word n——- with the word “neighbor,” which really just poisons that word. All of a sudden, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood takes on a sinister and historically oppressive tone. “Won’t you be my n—————-?”

All this n-word n-ragement distracted us from an even bigger problem. They had an anti-child abuse event called “Greek Beats”? And an after-party called “You Can’t Stop the Beat”? That’s like having Beyonce perform Single Ladies for Nelson Mandela’s widow.

To recap: Asian people were offended by white people in Top Girls, black people were offended by Asian people at Greek Beats, and white people were offended by black people in the Vagina Monologues, thus completing the great cycle of rage. But there is something to be said for being constantly offended by the smallest of perceived transgressions, because it allows you to go through life without having to apply critical thinking to a single fucking thing you see. Look; if you want to see some really racist shit, dress up like a Sikh professor and take a walk in Harlem.

In honor of getting the people going, the Band now forms something provocative and plays “Neighbors in the Citadel of Kyriarchical Gallic Imperialism.”

[N——- in P——]

{SHANE}

Although it might seem like less is going on at Columbia than in Paul Walker’s brain scan, there are many problems plaguing this campus.

One major problem here is sexual assault. Unfortunately most of the evidence we have for this is anecdotal because, despite a petition with over 1,000 signatures demanding that the University release statistics on the issue, the administration is staying quieter than a football player in LitHum. We had to learn about this problem on OUR OWN CAMPUS from the New York Post, right next to “Page Six Video: Models Twerk Backstage at Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

Columbia is first to boast about a 6.324 percent acceptance rate and its inclusion of students from all over the world, but the administration refuses to speak up about sexual assault. We know about the blurred lines of ethnicity on campus, but what about Robin-Thickean Blurred Lines? They’ll give us stats about the diversity of the student body, but not about the safety of student’s bodies. That’s why PrezBo’s hair is so big— it’s full of secrets. Prezzie, I don’t think you can say, “BUT THE FENCING TEAM IS REAL GREAT!” to get yourself out of this one. Although maybe he’s just confusing rapiers and rapists.

We have heard more from Print@CU about the great deals at Strokos than we’ve heard from our own University President about this critical issue of student safety. But luckily, our highly influential student leaders are getting involved. In fact, student body president Daphne Chen is giving Prezbo leadership advice. As she wrote in a guest column in Spec, Prezbo refuses to speak to the student body unless someone has donated a ridiculously large sum of money or M. Dianne Murphy has a death grip on his colon. Chen’s article, which frankly was a refreshing break from the masturbatory dialogue on the Jewish White Man’s burden that normally fills the Spec opinion page, was spot on. So we thank Chen for speaking out. Now that CCSC is on the case, things are bound to change really soon.

In honor of our mute defender of speech, the band now forms Prezbo’s locked lips and plays “I Can’t Hear You Talkin’, So You Can’t Come In.”

[Knockin’]

{ORLI}

Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:

{SHANE}

The reaction of alkenes and potassium permanganate is vigorous oxidation. The reaction of finals and procrastinating is vigorous masturbation.

{ORLI}

In chemistry, a radical is an atom, molecule, or ion that has unpaired valence electrons. At Columbia a radical is a C.U.N.T.

{SHANE}

A bimolecular Sn2 reaction involves a backside attack. A bisexual S&M action involves a backside attack.

{ORLI}

And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the solution are part of the Band!

{SHANE}

Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way out!

[Raw]

Brown 2013

COLUMBIA vs. BROWN
November 23, 2013

PRE-GAME:

Ladies and gentlemen, and Brown alumni, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Why do we even do this part?

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Athletics Complex, where we’re sure the Lions will end the season strong, the Bears will sing their swan song, and everyone will have their last four free beers of the year!

[Who Owns]

Recently it seems the video rental chain Blockbuster announced it would be closing its remaining stores. We in the band wish we could “be kind and rewind” back to the heyday of late fees and Lethal Weapon 4 VHS tapes in the Lethal Weapon 2 box. With Blockbuster gone, how will we satisfy our intense craving for disappointment: driving down to the store to get a video game or movie, only to realize that the last copy of Super Mario Sunshine is already out, leaving us to settle for some lesser title? It’s a shame – Blockbuster “could’ve been a contender.” But with Blockbuster, the UPenn of video distribution, now completely out of the picture, Netflix can finally claim its title: addictive binge-watching time killer.
In honor of liquidation sales and empty stores, the band forms a VHS tape and plays “Final Countdown.”

[Formation: Rectangle. Song: Final Countdown]


HALFTIME:

Ladies and gentlemen, and soon-to-be alumni, back despite something that only 90s kids will get, it’s the most reflective band in the world, the Columbia University Nostalgia Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. New Head Manager: Head Manager
J. New Drum Major: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Seriously, what is the point of this J thing?

[Fanfare]

As well as a romanticized version of college going up, defenses coming down, and the seniors at an all-time sandy, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to moving on!

[Who Owns]

On Columbia’s campus, the leaves of fall continue to fall, but as we all know, soon the snowflakes of winter will begin to… winter. And with the change in seasons comes that most ancient of traditions – a tradition with which we are all intimately familiar: technical glitches! In the spirit of Healthcare.gov, the Columbia professor-review site CULPA completely crashed on the first day of class registration. Students were left adrift in a sea of incomprehensible alphanumeric codes, wary of signing up for even the easiest-sounding Global Core class in fears of a camouflaged graduate seminar, or worse, an attendance requirement.

In honor of those bugs in our code we’ll totally iron out someday, the band now forms a server error and plays “I Hear You Refreshin’ The Page, But You Can’t Get In (To The Right Class, So Maybe You Should Stop Bragging About Getting The Earliest Possible Registration Time, Craig).”

[Formation: X. Song: Knockin’]

The band would now like to take a moment to congratulate our seniors who are graduating the band despite our best efforts. Please hold your applause.

Johnson “Peter” Andrews
Brittany “Vanquished the Dark Lord” Binderoff
Nate “Wanna Hit This” Booth
Chris “What Are You Doing, Mom?” Bosco
Lizzy “Band Fairy” Feldman
Danielle “Hit Em With Your Best Shot” Fong
Meko “Corn on the Cob” He
Rick “One of Us” Henry
Evvie “21!!!” Jagoda
Rob “Oh My God, They Killed” Kenney
Jingxuan “Jasonstagram” Li
Julianna “Run DNC” McCorkle
Keith “The Filthiest Bandie Alive” Nichols
Shaterra “Sassmaster” Overton
Eliza “Vanilla” Pelrine
Dan “We Are Penn State” Rieman
Elena “Let Her” Ripp
Charlie “Agent of Chaos” Starr
Peter “PS I Love You” Sterne

In honor of the courageous, consistent, querulous CUMB class of 2014, please stand and remove your caps as the band plays the Columbia College Alma Mater.

[Formation: “C.” Song: Sans Souci]

Cornell 2013

COLUMBIA vs. CORNELL
November 16, 2013

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Cornell students, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Eating cereal out of the Empire Bowl

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to Schoellkopf Field, where we’re sure the Lions will give it their all, the Big Red will give us the ball, and everyone will give their mother a call!

[Who Owns]

Thor 2: The Dark World opened last weekend and made $86.1 million at the Box Office. We in the band are thrilled for the Thunder God, an inspiration to men with long manes everywhere. The Ivy League is thrilled because it stars Harvard alum Natalie Hershlag, known in Hollywood as Natalie Portman. It also combines two things Ivy Leaguers love: culturally irrelevant, obsolete subject matter like Norse mythology, and comic books. We think this should be a lesson to movie studios to make sequels with the subtitle “2: The Dark World.” Imagine “Citizen Kane 2: The Dark World,” “It’s a Wonderful Life 2: The Dark World,” and “Mean Girls 2: The Dark World.”

In honor of Hollywood blockbusters, the band now forms a ticket stub and plays “Blockbusters.”

[Formation: Ticket. Song: Ghostbusters.]

HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and music lovers, back despite a long fight against the status quo, it’s the most forward-thinking band in the world, the Columbia University Modern Artists!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. S. Bach: So last millenium
J. Arnold Schoenberg: So last century
and J. Cage: So next century

[Fanfare]

As well as our level of consciousness going up, pre-existing paradigms coming down, and the Soviets at an all-time Perestroika, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to experimentalism!

[Who Owns New York]

In honor of American composer John Cage, the band now forms a ticking clock and plays his most famous work, 4’33”, which has been arranged for marching band for the first time ever.

[Formation: Clock. Song: 4’33”]

Harvard 2013

COLUMBIA vs. HARVARD
November 9, 2013

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:
J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Going through a Stevie Nicks phase

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Athletics Complex, where we’re sure the Lions will win the game by a landslide, the Crimson will see their reflection in the snow-covered hills, and everyone will climb a mountain and turn around!

[Who Owns]

This past Tuesday was Election Day! The band will forgive you for not knowing that because this year’s contests were as predictable as the revelation that Kanye West enjoys his own music. In fact this election cycle was so uneventful, it is referred to as an off-year election which is almost exactly like an off-Broadway show: Very few people attend, no one has heard of the participants, and if you did go, you’ll brag to all your friends about how much more cultured you are than them. Well good for you, hypothetically voting hipster! Thanks to the election of Bill de Blasio for mayor of NYC and re-election of Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, you helped dramatically raise the average height and alliterative naming of elected officials in this country.

In honor of things no one is following, the band now forms the career prospects of former Nickelodeon star Drake Bell and plays “Forget You.”

[Formation: Zero. Song: Forget You]


HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and people who went to a college in Boston, uh, no, not Tufts, back despite, uh, no, not Boston College either, it’s the most pretentious band in the world, the Columbia University Harvard University Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Mustard: Do you have Grey Poupon?
J. Art: Do you have Banksy?
and J. Notebooks: Do you have Moleskines?

[Fanfare]

As well as Toronto’s public visibility going up, Toronto’s mayoral standards coming down, and Canada at an all-time sore-y, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to scandal!

[Who Owns]

Earlier this week it was revealed that three pages of Senator Rand Paul’s book, Government Bullies, were copied nearly verbatim from a case study done by the Heritage Foundation. As the average conservative voter ages and students at Ivy League universities are increasingly liberal, it’s no wonder why he took to cheating; he wanted to pander to the Harvard vote.

Harvard is easily the most well-known school in the Ivy League, especially when it comes to its penchant for some good old fashioned academic dishonesty. Besides, with all those tech-savvy youngsters around, how could he resist an opportunity to show off his copy and pasting skills?

This isn’t the first time Rand has been caught trying to seem relatable to Harvard students. Paul has also lifted material from Wikipedia pages on the movies “Gattaca” and “Stand and Deliver,” which explains why his speeches included an “External Links” section and gave the time the speech was last modified.

In honor of being caught crimson-handed, the band now forms Wikipedia and plays an original song we wrote ourselves.

[Formation: W. Song: Sweet Child of Mine]

The Harvard Crimson recently featured an op-ed which examined final clubs, an institution immortalized in 50 Cent’s signature track “In Da Club.” The clubs’ annual “punch season” recently wrapped up, the term “punch season” further fueling the hypothesis that Final Clubs are just Fight Clubs with better real estate. The Crimson wrote, and we quote, “To Abolish or Not to Abolish? Should the 222-year-old tradition of final clubs at Harvard continue?” confirming that Harvard is made up, at least partially, by anti-abolitionists. But there are some good arguments for keeping them around. The mystery and mythology surrounding final clubs led Ylvis to write “the Fox,” about the club Bill Gates and TS Eliot were in. The house at 44 John F. Kennedy Street is why Eliot wrote “The Wasteland” and why Gates dedicated his life to fighting malaria.

In honor of exclusivity, the band now forms the sort of person who joins a final club and plays “The Final Countdown.”

[Formation: Square. Song: Final Countdown]

Yale 2013

COLUMBIA vs. YALE
November 2, 2013

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Yale students, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Registering to vote

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to the Yale Bowl where we’re sure the Lions will rise up, the Bulldogs will be put down, and everyone will bury them in the backyard!

[Who Owns]

Recently, a ranking published by food website GrubHub revealed that Columbia is the second most caffeinated college in the country. This result came as a surprise to the band, because we had just assumed that Yale would come in second. An impressive array of Yale graduates have been second-place presidential candidates— John Kerry, Howard Dean, Hillary Clinton, and - of course - George W. Bush. And we all know that New Haven is the second choice for people who can’t make it in New York.

In honor of also-rans, the band now forms a silver medal and plays “Forget Two”.

[Formation: Circle. Song: Forget You]


HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and skulls, and bones, back despite a candy coma, it’s the most terrifying band in the world, the Columbia University Malevolent Beings!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Sideshow Bob: Went to Yale
J. Ben Affleck: Replaced Christian Bale
and J. Healthcare.gov: Technical Fail

[Fanfare]

As well as tricks going up, treats coming down, and the Yale laundry room at an all-time haunted, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to guarding your clothing with your life!

[Who Owns]

Welcome to the Columbia University Marching Band’s Halloween Spooptacular! It’s the most ghoulish time of year, and we can’t help but be reminded of our favorite Halloween TV special: “It’s the great Poopkin, Charlie Brown”

It all starts at a school called Yale, where the spirit of being #2 pungently wafts through the school’s hallowed halls.

Fresh-faced freshman Charlie Brown would never believe in something as ridiculous as “The Great Poopkin”. But all his friends are staying up to wait for a chocolatey surprise in their laundry, and there’s nothing Yale students like more than conforming to societal expectations and expensive candy. They decide to hold their stake-out in the laundry room one dark Halloween night which also allows them to press their pocket squares together. Suddenly, a spooky skull and bones appears in the room, by which we mean a spooky trust-fund baby with too much free time.

In honor of the Halloween Spooptacular, the Band now forms a washing machine and plays “Carry on My Wayward Son”

[Formation: Washing Machine. Song: Carry On My Wayward Son]

The gang waits in the laundry room all night for the Great Poopkin to arrive. They found themselves falling asleep on the laundry room floor. In the morning they learned that they had not only missed the poopetrator but had also been given a warm Baby Ruth at some point during the spin cycle. The students experienced a profound sense of disappointment they hadn’t felt since first arriving at Yale. But from that disappointment grew a sense of camaraderie and kinship, and the realization that the true meaning of Halloween doesn’t lie in the poop on your laundry, but in the love in your heart.

In honor of making the best of a stinky situation, the band now forms a heart and plays Build Me Up, Buttercup.

[Formation: Heart. Song: Build Me Up, Buttercup]

Dartmouth 2013

COLUMBIA vs. DARTMOUTH
October 26, 2013

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Dartmouth students, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:
J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Lost somewhere in Connecticut

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to frigid, freezing, and frosty Memorial Field where we’re sure the Lions will fight, the Big Green will fight the cold, and everyone will finally cave and order that Snuggie from the TV!

[Who Owns]

We in the Band love the seminal sitcom “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” for its morality tales, but we can’t help but imagine what would happen if the gang had received a Columbia Education.

Maybe, Dennis wouldn’t be as snobbish as a Harvard student, Charlie wouldn’t be as illiterate as a Brown student, Dee wouldn’t drink as much as a Dartmouth student, and Mac wouldn’t be as self-absorbed as a Princeton student. Cornell, the last school to be added to the Ivy League, is Frank, an afterthought added in Season 2 only to boost ratings.

In honor of Dartmouth single handedly keeping Paddy’s pub in business, the band now forms the Liberty Bell and plays “Push It.”

[Formation: Bell. Song: Push It]

This past week saw the results of this year’s Nobel Prizes, not to be confused with the similarly named awards for unsafe bicycles (no-bell, see what we did there), whipping Sweden into a frenzy not seen since the last Eurovision Song Contest. The actual ceremony won’t take place until December though, because the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons is a pack of prima donnas with a very extensive tour rider. In other Nobel news, Peter Higgs won the physics prize for his prediction of the Higgs Boson, or as he likes to call it, Higgie Smalls.

In honor of science and Alfred Nobel, the Band now forms the Large Hadron Collider and plays “Dynamite.”

[Formation: Circle. Song: Dynamite]

HALFTIME


Ladies and gentlemen, and Luddites, back despite a preference for electricity and pasteurized milk, it’s the most cosmopolitan band in the world, the Columbia University Modern Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:
J. New York: The City That Never Sleeps
J. Hanover: The City With Lots of Sheeps
and J. New Hampshire: The State With Booze on the Cheap

[Fanfare]
As well as Mike Dukakis’ primary prospects going up, stock prices coming down, and the Soviets at an all-time Perestroika, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to 1987!

[Who Owns]

Hanover is a wonderful place; expansive treescapes, clear skies, and the Dunkin Donuts gas station on Main Street. One of the only drawbacks is that news travels slow round these parts, so we can’t do our usual jokes about newfangled whatnots like the myPhone 5, Friendbook, and Gaga Lady. So instead, we’re going to have a laugh at all the news that’s probably just now made its way to your front porches. The Band now takes a trip in the WayBack machine to October 1987 and plays Bon Jovi’s new hit single, “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

[Formation: 87. Song: Livin’ on a Prayer]

Recently it seems there’s a fancy coffee chain getting pretty popular over on the West Coast. This fledgling company is named after a character in Moby Dick, begging the question of why the chain, called “Starbucks,” didn’t choose a more fitting literary name, like The Grounds of Wrath or Cream and Punishment. What will happen when we can no longer barge into a diner and demand black coffee to go, and instead have to wait in line to politely request a latte with foam, then drink it out of a paper cup with our names on it? Our friends in Seattle tell us Starbucks even sells compact discs of weird indie bands nobody’s heard of right at the register. Why would anybody want to listen to a rock n’ roll band called “Nirvana?” We here at the CUMB have strong hopes that Starbucks never makes it to New York.

In honor of a two Starbucks on the same block, the band now forms a coffee container and plays “Drink Me Up, Grandecup”

[Formation: Coffee. Song: Build Me Up Buttercup]

We here in the Columbia band just wanted to make sure that everyone here up in Hanover had heard about the stock market crash last week, that people are calling “Black Monday.” Looks like America is becoming less of a shining city on a hill and more like a dusty shantytown in a trench. This is turning out to be the most chaotic week we’ve had this year since Dustin Hoffman put on a dress and became a star. So strap on your leg warmers and put in your Walkman; this is going to be a rough winter. Though this new economic crisis is hitting the rest of the country pretty hard, we are sure everyone here up in Hanover is doing relatively fine. The downturn probably isn’t having much of an effect on wool futures.

In honor of market apocalypse, the band now forms a dollar bill and plays our favorite modern power pop single, “Final Countdown.”

[Formation: Dollar. Song: Final Countdown]

Penn 2013

COLUMBIA vs. PENN
October 19, 2013

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Penn alumni, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Valve oiler

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Athletics Complex, where we’re sure the Lions will fight, the Quakers will not, and everyone will wonder why they chose that name!

[Who Owns]

Tom Hanks’ new movie “Captain Phillips” just came out. Hanks stars as the titular character, whose simple yet endearing ways lead him away from his lady love Jenny to a small shrimping vessel on the Somali coast, which is seized by pirates.

Or, at least, that’s what Belgian authorities told real-life pirate kingpin Mohamed Abdi Hassan before arresting him earlier this week. When the wannabe Hollywood star landed in the Brussels airport, his Belgian chauffeurs waffled him away to prison. But on the bright side, he got a behind-the-scenes look at the set of Oz.

It’s a shame that Hassan’s Belgiwood dreams were shattered, but we’re most disappointed about his lost political aspirations. Hassan had planned on entering politics after his retirement as a pirate, and we think he would have made an excellent Congressman. He could certainly teach Ted Cruz a thing or two about hijacking the Senate floor. And let’s not forget all of the good that actors-turned-politicians have done for the American economy. Reagan slam!

In honor of Hassan’s lost dreams of stardom, the Band now forms a paparazzo’s camera and plays “All of the Lights.”

[Formation: Camera. Song: All of the Lights]

HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Columbia alumni, back despite never having left home, it’s the homecomingest band in the world, the Columbia University Pitch for Alumni Donations!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Columbia Lions: Homecoming
J. Low Library: Domecoming
and J. Lawn Ornaments: Gnomecoming

[Fanfare]

As well as demand for products with a lion on them going up, supply of products with a lion on them coming down, and Baker at an all-time bursting at the seams, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to free stuff!

[Who Owns]

Last month, seven dogs graduated from the University of Pennsylvania in a formal ceremony at the University’s Working Dog Center, otherwise known as The Wharton School. These animal alumni went through the rigorous hallmarks of a Penn education, completing the Foundational Approaches of sniffing fire hydrants and playing fetch. Additionally, the dogs underwent agility training, making them the fittest of the “very well-rounded” students at Penn. Unfortunately, only one UPenn pooch had secured a job before graduation, with the rest praying that America demands a sixth Air Bud movie. The Band would like to offer its sincerest congratulations to the newest pedigree of Ivy graduates. Who’s a good Penn grad? You are! You’re a good Penn grad!

In honor of man’s best friend the Band now forms a doghouse and plays “Buddy Holly.”

[Formation: Doghouse. Song: Buddy Holly]

This past week saw the results of this year’s Nobel Prizes, not to be confused with the similarly named awards for unsafe bicycles (no-bell, see what we did there), whipping Sweden into a frenzy not seen since the last Eurovision Song Contest. The actual ceremony won’t take place until December though, because the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons is a pack of prima donnas with a very extensive tour rider. In other Nobel news, Peter Higgs won the physics prize for his prediction of the Higgs Boson, or as he likes to call it, Higgie Smalls.

In honor of science and Alfred Nobel, the Band now forms the Large Hadron Collider and plays “Dynamite.”

[Formation: Circle. Song: Dynamite]

Columbia College has a new University Senator! Although the band would like to congratulate Marc Heinrich on his chance to be a one more cog in the vastly overgrown academic-industrial complex that is the Columbia bureaucracy, we must first take a moment to remember the lives lost in the battle for democracy that culminated in his election. The conflict involved massive protests, and military intervention that you can’t Google on the Columbia wi-fi network. Finally, CCSC agreed to hold free and open elections. When asked why they were best for the job, the candidates gave the following actual responses: “I’m a senior,” “I mean, look at this face” and “I’m trying to meet new people.” We can’t help but wonder if the candidates possibly mixed up their campaign speeches with their OKCupid profiles.

In honor of another yet another fall election, the Band now forms an electronic voting machine and plays “Touch Me.”

[Formation: Rectangle. Song: Touch Me]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, please rise and remove your caps as the Band plays the Columbia College alma mater, “Sans Souci,” conducted by Al Bergeret.

[Formation: “C.” Song: Sans Souci]

Lehigh 2013

COLUMBIA vs. LEHIGH
October 12, 2013

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Lehigh alumni, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: The man with a thousand faces, all average looking

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Athletics Complex, where we’re sure the Lions will be King of the Jungle, the Mountain Hawks will be King of the Fumble, and everyone will look their shiniest for NBC!

[Who Owns]

When Facebook’s stock went public, it was an utter disaster, with Facebook having severely overvalued itself, which makes sense given that Facebook is basically a place for people to severely overvalue themselves. But Twitter is on the verge of going public as well and they are determined not to make the same mistake, arbitrarily limiting purchases to 140 shares or less. Five percent of Twitter accounts were revealed to be spam robots according to IPO documents filed last Thursday, and in a recent controversy, one spam robot was revealed to be human. Thousands of nerds looked to a spam account called “Horse eBooks” for its poetic yet cryptic robot advice, and they were all horribly betrayed when it was revealed that the account is actually run by two hipsters who work at Buzzfeed. The band can only wonder what else in America is secretly run by two hipsters who work at Buzzfeed. Hopefully the current state of the US government is just an elaborate performance art piece as part of John Boehner’s thesis at Bard, and that everything will return to normal very soon.

In honor of the stock market, the Band now forms market trends and plays “Tweet It.”

[Formation: Downward arrow. Song: Beat It]

As some of you may have heard, author Tom Clancy passed away recently. Also, actress Halle Berry had a baby. Are these stories related? No, not in the slightest. But we’re going to pretend they are, because it’s either that or more Twitter jokes.


Tom Clancy left the plane of existence last week, and then mysteriously dropped back in through Halle Berry’s womb four days later, in the quickest pregnancy since Edward and Bella’s freak Twilight baby. Reincarnated in the form of Storm’s mutant child with the hilariously antiquated Spanish name “Maceo.” The little bundle of joy screamed Tom Clancy’s famous quote, “Beware the fury of a patient man” as he hoisted himself from his mother’s womb early last Saturday morning. We in the band are all actually quite impressed with the efficiency of Tom Clancy’s infiltration skills (taken ver batim from the Navy SEALS; how did he know all those details?). Maybe if Columbia taught us how to control our disgusting mutant like instincts, crime writers everywhere would aspire to one day implant themselves into our bodies.

In honor of new life the band now forms a crib and plays “Call Me Baby.”

[Formation: Crib. Song: Call Me Maybe]

HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and special effects artists, back despite having detached from the spacecraft, it’s the astro-naughtiest band in the world, the Columbia University Falling Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:
J. Sandra Bullock: In space
J. Gravity: In the Oscar race
and J. Marching Band: pick up the pace!

[Fanfare]

As well as twerking in America going up, twerking quality in America coming down, and everyone at an all-time grossed out, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to badonkadonk!

[Who Owns]

Following Miley Cyrus’ performance at the VMA’s, America has been as shaken up as her hind quarters. In another desperate plea for relevance, Sinead O’Connor is once again making a public display of ripping people apart (though this time, not a photo of the Pope). In her open letter to Miley, she addressed her multiple concerns for the young artist and warned against selling her body to the music industry. Sinbad wrote, “your body is for you and your boyfriend,” forgetting that Miley is not dating a human but rather a sledgehammer. Among the other unsolicited advice was a recommendation that Miley cut down on her salt intake. This had the Band confused but we can only assume that Sinead interpreted Miley’s “Gene Simmons” tongue as a sign of a minor stroke. Since the debacle we in the band have thought that we should step in and defend Miley - after all, we’re both musical artists who manage to supplement a lack of talent with sheer sex appeal- but now we’re wondering, “how can we cover Miley’s recent implosion, when she can’t even cover herself?”

In honor of Miley’s boyfriend the Band now forms a Wrecking Ball and plays “Iron Man.”

[Formation: Wrecking Ball. Song: Iron Man]

Last wednesday, the United States once again flexed its imperialistic muscle and shut down one of the oldest trade routes in the history of the world, the Silk Road. In a shocking display of cultural insensitivity, the US ruthlessly closed bazaars all across China, the Middle East and the Mediterranean as part of President Obama’s socialist plan to monopolize the trading of silk and spices. Uh…wait…um we’re being told this is not exactly correct…it turns out that what the FBI shut down was actually a different Silk Road, an internet-based marketplace where people exchange goods for a type of cyber money called bitcoins. But still, what right does the US government have to stop innocent civilians from exchanging in commerce? Oh…we’re being told the Silk Road was actually a cesspool of drugs and other illegal products, and the founder tried to hire a hitman. Oh well, at least the internet can go back to its two main functions, cat videos and procrastination.

In honor of some public exchanges Americans actually enjoy, the band now forms a laptop and plays “Game of Bitcoins”

[Formation: Laptop. Song: Game of Thrones]

Princeton 2013

COLUMBIA vs. PRINCETON
October 5, 2013

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentlemen, and Princeton students, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: We don’t know who he is

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to exquisite, exurban, and exclusionary Princeton Stadium where we’re sure the Lions will thrive, the Tigers will be endangered, and everyone will one day be extinct!

[Who Owns]

Since 1746, Princeton University has firmly upheld its traditional American values of life, liberty, and discrimination. However, when hordes of plebeians from Southern New Jersey and Delaware began to hop the border and flood through the University gates, Princeton was inspired to admit its most diverse group in history to the class of 2017. Many students in the freshman class hail from towns anywhere between two to three miles outside of the tri-state area, with over five states represented by the University’s rich community. A record 2 students from low-income households make up the Class of 2017, and ½ of a student is receiving financial aid.

In honor of diversity, the Band now forms a globe and plays “Gimme Some Lovin.”

[Formation: Circle. Song: Gimme Some Lovin]

Speaking of freshmen, there’s nothing a Princetonian enjoys more than ridiculing those first-years. Nadirah Farah Foley, Princeton ‘11, demonstrated this over the summer when she made fun of applicants to the University of Pennsylvania, where she worked as an admissions coordinator. It would be bad enough if she had mocked applicants to an Ivy League School. But mocking applicants to UPenn? That’s just low. Even lower than their SAT scores. Foley was responsible for reading application essays sent from Connecticut, probably because her years at Princeton gave her a unique insight into the minds of rich preppy kids.

In honor of legacies, the band now forms an admissions essay and plays “Sweet Child of Mine.”

[Formation: Essay. Song: Sweet Child]

HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and vacationing postal workers, back despite a furlough day, it’s the filibusteriest band in the world, the Columbia University Gridlock Brigade!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Government: Stopped
J. Macklemore’s Tags: Popped
and J. Your Facebook Profile Picture: Photoshopped

[Fanfare]

As well as barricades at the Lincoln memorial going up, panda cameras at the national zoo coming down, and Congress at an all-time watching Netflix in their underwear, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to anarchy!

[Who Owns]

Princeton recently surpassed Harvard to officially become #1 on the U.S. News World Report list of top colleges. While Princeton tiger moms rejoice nationwide, we would like to speculate why Princeton may have just slipped past our Bostonian brethren. Maybe they flipped their collars that much higher, spent that much more money at Brooks Brothers, or snorted that much more caviar. Either way, Columbia is sitting pretty at #4 for the foreseeable future, which we’re totally fine with. In fact, we’re #1 if you don’t count the first three. But everyone respects fourth place. Who can forget LaToya London, the fourth place winner of American Idol season 3? Plus, everybody reveres the Fourth of July, and the first Star War was actually the fourth.

In honor of prestige, the Band now forms our ranking and plays “Four Lion Four.”

[Formation: 4. Song: Roar]

Meningitis and other infectious diseases suffered a blow this week when Princeton health services distributed 5,000 solo cups labeled with “Mine. Not Yours” in an effort to curb infection rates. The cups worked marvelously with the Princeton’s self-centered, narcissistic, and possessive student body. Fortunately for meningitis however, by Friday night everyone in the the freshman class went partying and couldn’t tell the difference between their own “Mine. Not Yours” cup and the 4,999 identical others. Next week, health services will consult with Princeton’s top researchers—if they can find any—to see if the next round of cups can be labeled with the things that the rest of the world calls “names.”

In honor of disease, the Band now forms a germ-ridden cup and plays “Toxic.”

[Formation: Solo cup. Song: Toxic]

In other news, Princeton is ruining the country! Or more specifically one Princeton alum, Senator Ted Cruz, Princeton class of ‘92. Mr. Cruz, significantly more talented an actor than his daughter, Penelope, railed against Obamacare on the floor of the Senate for 21 hours only taking a break to read his daughters a bedtime story. He chose to read Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss which is ironic because before Dr. Seuss received his PhD in imaginary zoology, he was a student at Dartmouth, or as Mr. Cruz would call it, “One of those lesser Ivies.” While Mr. Cruz may have single-handedly brought the entire federal government to a complete halt, threatening the livelihood of thousands of federal workers and millions who depend on government services, at least he didn’t follow in the footsteps of other Princeton alums, who solved their beefs by shooting Alexander Hamilton in the face.

In honor of weird politicking, the band now forms a divided government and plays the ancient song of House Boehner.

[Formation: Two groups of people w/ an aisle down the middle. Song: Game of Thrones Theme]

Monmouth 2013

COLUMBIA vs. MONMOUTH
September 28, 2013

Ladies and gentlemen, and Monmouth students, back despite popular demand, it’s the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Peter Andrews: Head Manager
J. Sam Wilson: Drum Major
and J. Michael Albertson: Partying like it’s 2013, because he’s a reasonable man.

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Robert K. Kraft Field at Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Athletics Complex, where we’re sure the Lions will fight, the Hawks will flight, and everyone will delight!

[Who Owns]

And now, coming to you straight from Atlantic City, New Jersey, the classiest place this side of an abandoned rest stop, the CUMB is proud to present the winner of the annual Miss America Pageant: Miss New York, Nina Davuluri, the first ever winner of Indian descent, though Mohandas Gandhi did his best in 1942’s evening wear competition. While the pageant itself was cutthroat, it turns out the online competition for “Miss Contemptibility” was even more fierce. Furious Americans took to Twitter, the country’s top forum for level-headed discussion, calling Davuluri a “terrorist.” We suppose it is a mark of progress that racism’s primary outlet is no longer in schools and courtrooms, but rather in reality competitions that no one really cares about. Maybe this kind of prejudice against Indians would explain why TLC’s lesser known pageant show “Hindi Boo Boo” got such terrible ratings.
In honor of bikini bodies with too ‘natural’ a tan, the band now forms a tiara and plays “Hips Don’t Lie”

[Formation: Tiara. Song: Hips Don’t Lie]

IOS 7, the new software upgrade for Apple products, was recently released to the delight of Apple fanatics, the dismay of the elderly, and the unphased apathy of Nokia hipsters worldwide. But bugs are already being detected in the new upgrade. Some users have reported Siri making condescending suggestions to go to the gym, the existence of an app for something called “Myspace”, and hostile artificial intelligence that will one day enslave us all. Apple claims its new security features could cut down on theft. Certain customers have profoundly misunderstood this message and have taken to the streets to fight crime, using their iPhones to take photos of criminals and then put them on instagram with really annoying filters. “Simplicity is actually quite complicated” said Apple of the new software, confirming that Apple loves the smell of its own farts.
In honor of simplicity the band now forms an Android phone and plays “Stacy’s Mom Can’t Figure Out How to Turn It On.”

[Formation: Rectangle. Song: Stacy’s Mom]

HALFTIME

Ladies and gentlemen, and high school chemistry teachers, back despite a long day of cooking, it’s the crankiest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Beakers!

[Fanfare]

Featuring:

J. Walter White: Heisenberg
J. Jesse Pinkman: Crysenberg
and J. Gus Fring: Diesenberg

[Fanfare]

As well as AMC’s ratings going up, AMC’s ratings coming down the day after tomorrow, and the Winter Sun at an all-time Low, the Band now presents an all-star gala halftime salute to Breaking Bad!

[Who Owns]

SPOILER ALERT! Breaking Bad, the greatest TV show about meth since the Anna Nicole Smith Show, is airing its final episode tomorrow! Through careful coercion, which may or may not have involved beating Vince Gilligan over the head with a tuba, the Band has acquired the script to tomorrow’s finale and will now read all three of its alternate endings. So if you don’t want to hear what happens, or you don’t think we’re very good at music, cover your ears!

Ending #1:
In a shocking ironic twist, Walt is murdered by a pink teddy bear. In the afterlife, he is forced to chill for all eternity with all the people whose deaths he has caused, including all the people in the prison, everyone in the plane crash, Tuco, Krazy 8, Hector Salamanca, Princess Diana, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and the original host of Blue’s Clues. Walt then notices Gus, who is even less talkative than usual, given that he is missing most of his face and vocal cords.

In honor of powerful yet dangerous substances, the band now forms a Columbia-blue crystal and plays “I’ll Make Some Meth Out Of You.”

[Formation: “Cu.” Song: I’ll Make a Man Out of You]

Ending #2:
In an effort to evade the authorities, Walt heads south for Mexico. Unfortunately, he is quickly recognized by the police and is forced to flee to Columbia’s own chemistry department, where he pursues groundbreaking research into the molecular structure of intimidating goatees. Though the Nobel prize committee expresses hesitation at his iffy track record with youth outreach, and the whole meth kingpin thing, his health problems and commitment to family buy him the sympathy vote. While Walt is mostly happy, every once in while he longs for the weather, the desert, and the constant breakfast he had in New Mexico. On times like these, he looks out the window, gazes at the Hudson, and thanks God he isn’t stuck in New Jersey.

In honor of a man who’s finally on top, the band now forms a pork pie hat and plays “I Am the One Who’s Knockin.”

[Formation: Pork Pie Hat. Song: Knockin’]

The third version of the script takes our beloved characters back to their roots. The episode opens as Walt reaches the top of a Himalayan peak, riding on the back of the swan he tamed in Season Two. “I’ve come here for the meth,” he says. An enormous shining golem of pure methamphetamine bursts through the snow, with Jesse holding it by the reins.

Just as things look their worst for Walt, he realizes that the power wasn’t in the meth, it was inside him all along! He clicks his heels three times and ascends to Nirvana. After a tasteful montage of celebrations in Walt’s honor all over the world, set to Andrea Bocelli’s “Time to Say Goodbye,” we end with a CGI sequence in which the directors, William Breaking and Frankie Bad, extend an individual thank you to each viewer of the show.

In honor of the end of Breaking Band, the bad now forms a viewing party and plays “Final Countdown.”

[Formation: TV w/ Antenna. Song: Final Countdown]